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Friday, December 26, 2014


Does Love exist?

It doesn't.

Only lust. Or a common respect for each other. For some, the feeling of not being alone is mistaken for love.

The feeling parents have for their children? Feelings of belonging. Same for the feelings of children towards their parents.

Does Love exist, they ask me?

No, it doesn't.

Just finding the right person who has the right amount of respect with you, to cooperate and commit to whatever you or the other person wants to do.

Feelings change. It's inevitable. Some grow to be apart, some grow to become closer. Some relate feeling insecure, or "afraid to lose someone" as a form of love. It's not. It's just being insecure. And not being able to accept one's self.

Does Love exist? They ask me.

No it doesn't.

It's one of human's most stupid dream ever created to blind everyone.

Friday, December 19, 2014


I write today not because I have something to say. These days, my mind is not as precise as it usually was years ago when I was younger. I used to say that I never changed, but I guess everyone changes eventually. So do I.

I don't really know how I changed. I guess it's not much from my character, but more to how I perceive things. I am still the happy me, always smiling, and at the right (or wrong) time, still the moody serious me when I'm at work. Like what astrology tells you about a Capricorn, I probably fit most of it's description when it comes to work. I love my job, I love being busy doing my job, I don't see anything worth doing except doing my job, and yes, I am money crazy, but only when it comes to earning my own money. I am not rich, but I plan to be. But the term "rich", when it comes to how I see things, does not only mean money. I want to be rich in a sense where I can see past things, see past people, see a vision, just see, and listen, and contemplate on the meaning of what Life is. And see what use there is to anything that I have now that I could manipulate. (not being manipulative)

I don't use people. I use things. I probably suffer a little of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) as I just realized that I tend to wash my hands more than I should. If I don't wash them, my fingers feel "dusty". Or dirty. I don't know when did I develop such a habit, but it probably came to life when my world kept crashing down and built back up again. So when a person has some OCD, we tend to not depend so much on people. We prefer doing things ourselves. We don't trust the work of others. It's an annoying disorder. But I can confidently say my OCD is not chronic. I am good in curbing my emotions/wants/needs. I am good in giving people the freedom to do things their way. And sometimes dwell in my business too, their way. I get mad when that happens, because some people think they have their business in everybody's matter, but I usually give people time. But when I don't feel like giving time, I am a very pushy person. Outside of the workplace, I tend to slowly walk away from controlling people. But in the workplace, I just so happen to fight until I get what I want. Of course, I am intimidating to some people (some say to most people). But of course too, I know people are forgiving when I am a crackhead. (which I usually am) I can never complete a full sentence being serious. Unless I am writing. Like now.

How I see the world today, is that it's a ball of fuck. Compared to 9 years ago... it's fucked up. Beyond repair. It's been fucked in a span of less than 10 years! How quick is that? And during that time, from then till now, the human race has been struggling to keep up with it's confusing vibes the airwaves has been spreading upon us. From technology to spirituality, the whole ideal of what the world was and what used to be and what it is has turned around about 180 degrees. I wouldn't say a full 360 yet. But almost there. Music during the good old days (50's to 90's) were expanding. And it kinda stopped there. What there is now in music is just a development from what's left from the yesteryears and people just picked that up and tried to go on, but nothing great has been accomplished. The film industry on the other hand is kinda picking up and going through it's own revolutionary phase which I feel is magnificent, but at the same time it's meanings and messages are getting a bit too obvious. As if there is no more art in finding the "hidden mickey". The hidden message. Double meanings. The art of meaning. The message is the meaning? Guess which philosopher said that. :)

I am pretty sure most of us are able to feel the change in terms of spirituality right now. We are bombarded with everything that tells us there is no God, and that God is your boss, and your boss has a God, and that boss has it's own God, and all that God have their God called paper or money. Either that, or there are several Gods, or Goddesses, and we are encouraged to pray to a tree, or a monkey, or some random tear drop from some dog's cheeks, pick up that tear and drip it in your eye so you can have a third eye, or they encourage us to pray to your gadget, go nuts if you miss that latest iPhone, get all jealous and bitter if a friend posts better Instagram pictures than you, you get the drift. All our children are fucked because everyone is confused about morals and rights. People don't seem to know where the limit is these days. The world is telling us to "be yourself", but if you wanna live you gotta learn to submit to your.. .er... "god" at the office. (boss) And your god can do whatever the hell they want to you, because their god is money, you need that money, so you submit. Then they repeat it again to "be yourself" or "dance to the music" or "let yourself go", so you get off from work and you go crazy talking shit to an old person or stranger on the train back home. People are messed up. People are stressed, and messed up. And people are encouraged to be famous, dress in your skankiest outfits and be a whore/manwhore, and on one side you have the "kolot" people criticizing you, and the other corner people defending you saying "suka hati dia lah nak pakai apa" because it's cool to be "modern" (aka stupid), and on one side in the corner you have people like me. Observing the world, and we crawl on the earth without hands nor legs like a worm, hoping nobody would see us. Whispering "I hope all these crazy assholes get the fuck away from me."

People are afraid of the Abrahamic religion, besides the so called... new state/new country, religion, which is not the original in the first place, but whatever. People don't realize, the whole world is being communised, like there's a hidden Hitler, or Stalin, or Mao Zedong, or that upper Korean country I dare not speak his name, and they are rejecting the growth of the individual human mind, harvesting a more submissive population as a whole, to create slaves or robots, to keep in control. I know these problems have been going on for years, just trying to emphasize how obvious it is nowadays compared to before. It's just too obvious. I am not saying being an atheist is bad. But most atheist I know are just as extreme as any other dude who believes in his own God. What's the use if you don't believe in anything? Do you even believe in yourself that you can do the impossible? So what do you do, when you are in the drain depressed because things are not going well? Do you go out and buy the latest gadget/car/house/clothes/shoes or read a good book/see a good movie/listen to good music or whatever you can possibly think of that might eliminate your hate? Believing in a higher, greater existence, is of course, a form of escapism. Do you not say that those temporary therapy like buying stuffs/smoking a joint/reading/listening/do whatever shit, is not a form of escapism as well? In fact, it's even worst, it's temporary. It does not heal. But it's our choice in who or what we want to believe in, or not. But it is not an item of dispute anyone should question me and my beliefs. Most atheist are as annoying as the next so-called religious/pious know-it-all who apparently does not know anything at all, let alone himself. A God is not someone who will change whatever your will wishes a God could right this instance. Believing in something that is greater than what there is here... in this fucked up shithole.... makes a person believe that there can be good. The Impossible. Those people who use religion for the sake of benefiting themselves are not believers. They are the manipulators. Like I said, I don't use people. I use things. Truly and sadly, these are the people that destroyed the world. A believer, is someone who believes. Believes that change can be made. A change that will benefit all. And not make all envy, or hate, or get jealous, or compete unhealthily against one another. But a better change, that all is fair, and all is free. I believe in that change. And thus, I write.

The little girl in Malaysia who got seduced by Disney? Yes. It is here. The end is here. Our future generation will be whores/glam-crazy/fucked up Kardashians inspired by this kid if she gets up there on that bandwagon. How many more gila glamour things coming up? Tengoklah. Makin ramai tergedik-gedik nak jadi famous. Masing-masing macam kimak. Kalau betul talented macam Killeur Calculateur tak apa. Ajar orang bodoh jadi berseni sikit. I don't even know if I spelled the calculator thing right.

That is all I can think of today. I am now sleepy. So I want to sleep. Go watch Jorodowsky's Dune documentary. I don't know if any of you will like it. But me, being a fan of art/sci fi/graphics/whatever shit EXCEPT being a hipster, it's one of the most fulfilling documentaries ever created.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Tabula Smaragdina

Fate is a very subjective story. Some "good" people scold "bad" people for not doing things the right way. Real good people don't usually do that. Because real good people sort of understand what Life is all about. Life is about just going through the fuck about the life then die. Whatever happens in between is different between individuals. Some people go through life the hard way, some are lucky enough to lead the straight road. Some are lucky with money, some lucky in love, some lucky socially, while some others are just unfortunate over everything... it varies. Fate is an abstract subject. Much like art. It paints a different colour on each canvas. Some bad people go to Heaven. Some good one's go to Hell. If there's a Hell or Heaven. (But I believe in Heaven and Hell... I mean, I'm going on the safe side since nobody knows what the hell after you die. So I tend to put a "what if" on everything. What if there's really a Heaven and Hell. Like that laa..) So fate is something not for me to tell you what to do, or for you to tell me what to do. The best I can do is tell you what I feel is right. But what IS the right thing anyway? Is "right" and "wrong" a concept or an idea only limited to the human mind? Is it right? Or is it?

Some people lead a difficult life. As so goes with my life. But I am all for it. I know I am built for a tough ride. It is my fate. I don't cry. My tear spout suddenly vanished into thin air somewhere along the line of Life. Some people say I'm very lucky to always be happy. Some say I shouldn't be this unlucky. Some say good things are yet to come. But so goes for the person who leads a difficult life. They nod and smile, and they just know... no matter how hard we try to follow the right way, the right thing to do... It will always be a difficult one to please everybody. But it is the opposite for us, that it is oh-so-easy to be pleased. We are easily pleased. Easily happy. Life seem like it is easy. But we know what it is like to have a kind of bad chi called stupid fate that we have to go through first before we see the prize. Or never at all. We don't care. After all, nobody knows what will happen after we die. People with bad luck like me kinda get the notion that the good things are maybe after we die. But I don't think my life is that bad at all, really. I think I am one of the most luckiest person to be alive. But people tend to put a label around life. What is lucky, what is not, what should be, what not. I think that all lives tend to be different. Some people get married and all gets fucked up after that. Some people get married and lead happy lives. Some don't marry and still lead happy (and rich) lives. Do you know that somewhere, some place out there near you, an old couple at 70 years of age are struggling about extramarital affairs? Woman at 70 meets new boyfriend 88 years of age, asking for divorce from 67 year old husband, or husband having sex with daughter and shit like that. Anyway, some people live on the roadside and still be happy. See, I guess you know what I'm trying to rant about now. It's the social norm of people to create an idea of what is lucky, what is happy, what is not. If I keep defending myself and say "I choose to live like this this that that" the normal feedback I'll get is a nag or a negative comment so really... what the fuck am I supposed to do really? Do what you tell me to do right now? People actually think that life is that simple, to just grab and go. Halo, even getting a job need to submit resume, wait for a call, if there's ever any fucker who calls you, you go to interview. Sometimes ada second interview and some also have third interview. Then you go through probation and all those fucking things... see or not? You want to cuci tandas pun you have to put on gloves first, get a brush or buy one if you don't have one, then take your clorox or whatever liquid then you tabur the liquid then only you can start scrubbing I mean... fuck.... don't people understand, stuff requires steps. So the fuck you want with me now? What the fuck you want me to do huh? You can work as hard as me or not? You can enjoy as hard as me too or not? Would you go through my shoes without complaining? I'm sure you will. I complain sometimes. Much less than I used to. Maklumla dah tua. Orang dah umur macam aku ni agak macam dah biasa dah kerja keras ni. Balik rumah nak gosok tandas lagi. Cuci pinggan. Mop lantai bagai. Kalau ada anak, ha dukungla anak tu dodoi biar tidor. Dah biasa dah benda kasar-kasar ni. Gua tak diva la macam lu. In fact if I ever want to be a diva, I have every right to. I work my ass off better than your father. Faster than your mother. Fabulouser than yo sister. Donno la if you have sister or not. Shit, I don't give a fuck man. Why you give so much fuck about me. The fuck you want me to be. As miserable as yo shit ass life? Uhm... no? Hihi.

Like that la.

Friday, December 12, 2014


You know what's fun?